Category Archives: LL

Posts by Laura L.

Taking A Moment To Mourn Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom’s Marriage

Today we all learned of the tragic and astonishing breakup of Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom, one of Hollywood’s most beautiful couples. The two have been amicably separated for a few months, according to joint statements from their reps. Is there any true love left in the world?! Let’s review the past six years of their union.

2007: First (secret) date
Ever persistent, Bloom finagled Kerr’s phone number from her agent when the Aussie model refused to give it to him. She was seeing someone else at the time and wasn’t sure about dating a movie star, but Bloom reassured her that they could “just be friends.” That’s cute.

Fame

Fame

2008: First public appearance
The couple debuted at the Sydney races in Australia right after Kerr took Bloom to meet her parents. They remained private about their relationship, however.

Getty

Getty

2009: Social causes = love
As a couple, Kerr and Bloom supported a number of environmental causes, from clean diesel to bushfires. The two are both practicing Buddhists now, but the origins of Kerr’s faith is unclear, as reports seem to suggest without explicit confirmation that Bloom’s Buddhism influenced her into adopting the religion for herself.

Getty

Getty

2010: Confirmed engagement and intimate wedding
Kerr was reportedly spotted with a big ring in 2009 but didn’t confirm the engagement until June 2010. The two married that July, and a month later, Kerr revealed that she was four months pregnant. Later that year, she became the first pregnant model to grace the cover of Vogue Australia magazine.

Vogue.co.uk

Vogue.co.uk

2011: Birth of son
His name is quite a mouthful: Flynn Christopher Blanchard Copeland Bloom. Not only was Bloom prohibited from leaving to use the toilet during the labor — he peed in a bottle — he also felt an extreme amount of secondhand pain while watching Kerr go through an agonizing natural birth.

Celebbabylaundry.com

Celebbabylaundry.com

2012: Breakup rumors
Every celebrity couple deals with them at some point. For Kerr and Bloom, Leonardo DiCaprio and Jennifer Aniston were said to be involved, as well as — gasp! — an occasional lack of wedding rings. They steadfastly denied all the speculation, but alas…

Getty

Getty

2013: Where did it all go wrong??
It’s not really our place to spread rumors if they don’t want to divulge details, but fans will definitely miss seeing the two together and hearing about Bloom’s foot fetish. (On second thought, maybe not.) In recent years, Kerr wrote a book and debuted a successful beauty product line, while Bloom…was in The Three Musketeers. Well.

Getty

Getty

Laura L.

Is ‘The Simpsons’ A Show For Children? FCC Complaints Leaked

FCC Simpsons

Quite a few people who watch The Simpsons have problems with its content to the point of filing formal FCC complaints, as revealed in documents collected by Governmentattic.org and posted on Gawker.

Many of the objections center around concern that children might be negatively influenced. One viewer asserts that parents allow kids “as young as 4” to watch it. Sure, The Simpsons is a cartoon about a family, but does that its content and humor is clearly not meant for children. That said, there are cartoons for kids (Courage the Cowardly Dog, anyone?) that have far more disturbing fare than Homer’s naked backside.

In which nudity is NEVER OKAY:

FCC Simpsons 1

In which the viewer composed a poem?

FCC Simpsons 2

In which The Simpsons should be sensitive to religious folk:
(I’m offended that this viewer didn’t bother to capitalize “bible”!)

FCC Simpsons 3

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Daniel Radcliffe’s Ridiculous (Fake) Kickstarter Project

DanRad_Kickstarter

“Kill Your Darlings” costars Daniel Radcliffe and Dane DeHaan partnered with MTV to pitch a mock Kickstarter campaign that asks fans to raise “four thousand hundred million dollars” for a new film project.

Their proposed movie, “Snowy River,” would be completely improvised and feature the two actors as childhood friends and Brooklyn natives — because “Brooklyn is crazy hot right now” — bound by a dark secret. Radcliffe promises “a lot of hardcore sex” with a long list of actresses (including Helen Mirren). His Brooklyn accent is certainly…fetching.

Alan Rickman also makes an appearance and offers to spend an entire evening watching TV with anyone who donates $50. Shut up and take my money already!

Watch the video on MTV.com.

—Laura L.

The Craziest Hot Pockets Commercial with Snoop Dogg and Kate Upton

Hot Pockets pulled out all the stops for a new ad that pits Snoop Dogg (guess he ditched the Lion moniker?) and Bow Wow against KevJumba and Oliver Cooper to win Kate Upton’s heart (taste buds?). Snoop plays a baker — you know, it’s funny because Snoop says “bake” like a hundred times! Ha ha! Even Larry King makes a cameo. One wonders if he needed the money or just wanted to meet Ms. Upton. Plus, whoever provides the uncredited vocals sounds just like Biz Markie, who sang the original “Just A Friend.”

Will Kate choose #TeamCrust or #TeamMeat? I’m pretty sure nobody eats Hot Pockets for the “meat” inside, so whatever new version they’re shilling had better live up to this song parody. Between all the hashtags and celebrity appearances (and Minecraft sequence, just in case nerds are watching), it’s hard to tell whether this will be a viral hit or merely a try-hard stunt. Personally, I’m not convinced that even Kate Upton could make Hot Pockets look delicious, but I appreciate the effort.

—Laura L.

Nickelodeon Radio: 6 Shows We Want To Hear

Now that Nickelodeon is getting into the radio business in its new venture (Nick Radio) with iHeartRadio, we have a list of potential programs we’d love to hear from the TV network. When you consider the great trove of characters that have appeared on Nickelodeon, the possibilities are endless. Below are just a few we’d request. Nick executives, make it so!

A Spongebob Home Companion

A Spongebob Home Companion: The beloved porous rectangle performs covers of popular songs with the crew (Patrick, Sandy, Mr. Krabs and co.) providing supporting voices and instrumentals. Squidward gets to play clarinet to his heart’s content.

rCarly

rCarly: The jump from webcast to online radio isn’t a huge one for Carly, who goes solo to host her own song request and dedication program. It’s the perfect outlet for middle schoolers to declare their feelings over digital airwaves.

Between Drake and Josh

Between Drake and Josh: Like Zach Galifianakis’ Between Two Ferns, guests sit down with the goofy brothers, who will probably do more riffing off each other than the actual person they’re supposed to be interviewing.

Blue's Clues PD

Blue’s Clues PD: A detective drama for the preschool set that presents a round-up of true crime stories from around the country, with the show’s characters — Mailbox, Mrs. Pepper, etc. — voice-acting the different roles in each tale. It’s never too soon to teach your children the power of justice!

On The Road With The Wild Thornberrys

On The Road With The Wild Thornberrys: Internet access may be limited out in the African plains, but the nomadic family has more than enough material to host a program detailing their adventures in the great outdoors. Eliza still has to keep her Doctor Dolittle gift a secret, but she manages to sneak in insightful tidbits for listeners occasionally.

The Amanda Show

The New Amanda Show: We all pretend that Amanda Bynes’ public deterioration never happened and go back to happier times of hilarious sketches from the talented comedic actress. The upside of a radio program is that we don’t have to see what she’s done to her face.

—Laura L. (amateur Photoshop done by author)

The Best Burns From Critics About New Fox Show ‘Dads’

The new Seth Macfarlane-produced sitcom has garnered nothing but derision from critics, who have ridiculed its outdated jokes and overall unfunniness. Heralded by many as the worst show of the season, Dads premiers tonight on Fox. Here, a roundup of their best jabs at the show: Maybe we can all hate-watch it together.

If I could find a joke anywhere in either of the two episodes, I’d transcribe it to demonstrate how unfunny the show is, but for the life of me, the only thing I found amusing is the pervasiveness of the laugh track.
-David Wiegand, SFGate

Dads — don’t watch it. That way you won’t have to roll your eyes back into your skull when Crawford and Peter Riegert, who plays Green’s dad, battle to avoid paying a lunch check by fanning or blowing it across the table — this show’s notion of brilliant physical comedy.
-Matt Zoller Seitz, Vulture

It turns out that the willfully sophomoric, politically incorrect humor that works in an animated series doesn’t sound as amusing when coming out of the mouths of flesh-and-blood actors.
-Alessandra Stanley, New York Times

Bigotry by helpless losers looks like the sad, impotent venting it is. It isn’t even fun to make fun of them, because they’re such easy targets themselves.
-Tim Molloy, The Wrap

I saw Don Rickles in concert a few years ago; much of his act is predicated on dated stereotypes, and much of the audience was young and found him hilarious (as I buried my face in my hands). This feels to me a little like that.
-Robert Lloyd, LA Times

At all times, Dads feels assembled by people who have sniveling contempt for their audience, figuring that this is just the stupid bullshit people who watch network TV might want.
-Todd VanDerWerff, AV Club

If I could task the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. to do one thing, it would be this: Destroy Dads.
-Kate Aurthur, Buzzfeed

 —Laura L.

Futurama Says A Loving, Final (For Now) Goodbye

I hope I wasn’t the only one left teary-eyed after the finale-finale of Futurama last night. (If so, you’re all heartless!) The beleaguered show bid viewers a second farewell in “Meanwhile,” the last episode of its seventh and final season. It’s rare that a show gets to produce more than one goodbye-forever episode, and our favorite space delivery crew hasn’t changed all that much since the last time, “The Devil’s Hands Are Idle Playthings,” which aired at the end of season four.

Back in 2003, the title screen featured an optimistic and prescient message:

Fut1

Last night’s greeting was more fatalistic:

I SHALL!

I SHALL!

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